t u r b u l e n c e

I won’t lie — this one comes from the edge of a breakdown. After stepping into a catering manager role, I suddenly found myself covering six units with barely any training when everything shifted overnight. What followed was chaos: stressful stock orders, constant miscommunication, lack of support, and the pressure of trying to keep everything running while nothing felt under control. 

I talk about the reality behind the role — the audits, the shortages, the impossible schedules — alongside a company conference that felt more isolating than inspiring, and an awards night overshadowed by work stress. I also open up about a moment that hit deeper than expected, triggering body image struggles and forcing me to confront some uncomfortable truths. 

This episode is messy, overwhelmed, and honest — about burnout, pressure, missing where I came from, and trying to hold it together when everything feels like too much. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Um Is that time again? Um I don't know. I'm literally on the verge I'm on the cusp of a mental fucking breakdown. Um I don't even know where to start you guys. The last month or so, I don't remember when I posted the last episode. I think it was February something. But I remember it was something to do about my training and something to do about um taking over a a new unit as a manager. And um I don't know if I mentioned it in the episode before, but I'm now one of the two catering managers, and catering in in includes um about four, five physical units, and in those units you also have split units as well. So different brands that go that there's like hybrid brands and stuff. And the other manager, uh, she broke her, she fractured her wrist or broke her. I don't know what happened, but basically, and the minute I took over my units as manager, I was then informed that I would have to look over her units. So imagine going from my old job where I was an assistant for a main unit and a drive-thru. Um, I'm now taking over six units um with no training in her units whatsoever in terms of ordering, in terms of working in the unit, in terms of anything. Stock levels. We have a unit that's called production. It's an overnight unit that does sandwiches for the whole site. Um, and basically, you don't have to work in it. You just have to, you know, obviously approve their time cards and cover illness uh with somebody else if if that's the case. And order stock, which is the most important part. Because if they don't have stock, they don't have sandwiches, they don't have stock to make sandwiches, and then the site runs out of sandwiches. And let me tell you, the first fucking two weeks were a fucking nightmare. I'm not saying now is it, but it was it was it was worse because um I was working alongside supervisors who uh well um I I she has one supervisor in her unit and her units, um, and then I have two between or three between my two units. So obviously they my my guys don't know what needs to be ordered. Nobody really knows what needs to be ordered apart from her supervisor. Um, and obviously her supervisor as well doesn't work in production. She kind of just goes off of kind of um assessing the stock levels and then based off of that, you know. But none of us know how much cheese, how much ham, how much bacon, how much, you know, tomatoes, how much lettuce, how much fucking cucumbers they need for each sandwich. And they work overnight, so it's not like it's not an easy thing to do, communicate with them because during the day, most of us are gonna be sleeping, so you don't really want to bother them. But also, um, nobody's there during the night shift, so you can't speak to them unless you come in early enough to see them before they go home. So the first week or so, I was just kind of reassessing the situation. I kind of said to myself, oh, this seems like a lot of stock for the amount of sandwiches that we do. But I was taking into consideration catering unit sandwiches. I wasn't taking into consideration the shop sandwiches. So um they they sell a lot more than we do because it's part of like their meal deal, so they have sandwiches on the shelves and stuff. Um, so obviously, the first week I thought, oh, I'm just gonna order this much. Turns out we ran out of stock pretty quickly. Um, and it was it took about two or three orders to get it to a normal level. Uh, because one delivery I ordered more of this, but then I forgot this. And then, you know, it's like they do fruit pots, so you have to order all the melons and pineapples, uh, you have to order the vegetables, you have to order the the cheese, the the gammon, the the bacon, the eggs on the um all their mixes, the hummuses, the sauces, the gherkins, every single little topping, little, every little add-on needs to be included. If not, they they can't physically make a sandwich because of the allergens. You can't swap out products either, um, because you know. Um, so that was a bit of a mess, uh, because uh apparently they use that one type of cheese out of the other seven that they have. Um, because they have sliced cheddar cheese, they have sliced Emmental cheese, they have mozzarella balls, they have grated cheese, they have uh grated Italian hard cheese, and they have another type of something. I don't fucking know, something for a salad. But it in my head it just it like I don't know. It was just very hard to to, you know. So we ran out of this one type of cheese, which apparently they use for most of the sandwiches, so they couldn't make the sandwiches, which is fucking annoying. Obviously, nobody really complained because it wasn't that busy, luckily. Um, but we needed to get the levels correct before Easter because I didn't know when this manager was coming back. She'd be back now, and you would think that this would reduce my stress levels and my anxiety. It's gotten worse. I don't know why, but it's gotten so much worse. And this past week, I've just been feeling like absolute shit. I think when I'm all off is when it's worse. Because before, in the in the old brand that I used to work in, I could just shut off because I was an assistant. So even if there was people asking me questions, even if there was things to do, I didn't mind doing it because it was easy and I knew what I was doing. And I could, I, I had good communication with everybody. In her in the other catering units, there's a lot of people that don't really speak English that well. So communicating with them is a little bit confusing. Uh, you're trying to kind of decipher what they're trying to say um and also communicate back in a very professional way, but then they don't understand you. So it's a little bit, yeah. And then the people who are there who have been there for years, you would think, oh, they're gonna step in and support. And don't get me wrong, with some of the things they did support, but there was a lot of complaining. There was a lot of, you know, um, in the first couple of weeks, you know, we we ran out of a couple sandwiches here or there. Um, but they obviously didn't think to order the other sandwiches, which we can make, which I did communicate to them. Um, they were just kind of stuck on the fact that there's no sandwiches. Um, and nobody else complained. My boss didn't complain, our our site director didn't complain, nobody really noticed. Um, and then there was some confusion around the stock as well because they were running out of certain products in the actual like warehouse, like they didn't have it available, so we couldn't make them for a while. And then there was some some bitching and moaning about you know potential mystery shoppers coming in, there's their shelves not being fully stocked, and this and that. And and I just said, like, listen, this is something we can fight back because it the stock isn't available. You can't physically fucking make it if you don't have it, you can't display it if you don't have it. But then I said to them, order the other salads or the other sandwiches so the shelf is full. They obviously didn't do that because they think oh wastage, you know. But if somebody doesn't see an item, they'll buy the other item or they just fuck off, you know? So at least your shelves are full. Um, but hey, how it's not like they they don't waste anyway. That's the thing. Like they're trying to reduce wastage levels, but they're they're they're still, you know, wasting a ton of stuff. So it was very contradictory, it's very kind of like, what the fuck are you talking about? And then I was getting attacked because apparently, um, you know, the the staff that are out front, um, like I don't work uh on the counter, I don't work at the tiles, I don't have to explain to customers that we're out of a certain product, you know, uh, because once we ran out of fucking bacon. Whoa. You know, full English or whatever, and they couldn't do the bacon. But it was gonna come the next day. It wasn't, it was just for a day. And they're only open for it's like a 6'2 shift. They they they open at like 6.30 or 7, they close at 2 o'clock. So it's not like they have to do full English all day. And the people in the kitchen were like, oh, well, we can upsell sausages or extra eggs instead of the bacon. It's not that deep. Um, and then they can upsell sausage bops instead of bacon bops. Because this is cooked order. It's not it's not something like you're putting out on the shelf as a ready bacon bop or a ready sausage bop. It's just, you know, you just have to tell the customer. So, so you know, there was people that were like, oh, would you don't have to explain to them we always get abused in this and that. And I'm like, listen, I've been doing this for five minutes. I really appreciate the the support, but I need some patience and I need some some more support in this. Like, you can't just sit here and batter me because I'm I'm doing something incorrectly. I've been only doing it for like a week. And then it was like, oh yeah, well, I'm not having a go at you, I'm having a go at the system because you're not getting the support that you need, and you're not getting this, you're not getting that. Yeah, but you're still attacking me, and I'm still taking this very, very fucking personally. So you need to understand that I do have feelings and I do have emotions, and I do go home and cry because of this. I don't need this. This isn't that deep. It's a fucking sandwich in a fridge. Like, grow the fuck up. You're a six-year-old woman, shut up. Anyway, um. So you would think like they would be a little bit more appreciative and a little bit more supportive. Considering they've been doing this for years, and I shouldn't even be covering their units. There should be enough people in those units to sit down and place the fucking order or give me a list of shit to order, what you need. Don't tell me that you've run out of this, run out of that. But when I ask you what you fucking need, you don't tell me. You know, it's just really fucking annoying how people fucking think. And the older you get, the stupider you get. But anyway, um, so yeah, so that was my first couple of weeks, and there's so much in between that. There was uh obviously the bacon fucking situation. We had a conference in between, which was the most fucking pointless thing ever. We went to a conference, all the managers from this company go to a conference, right? Conference was at Alton Towers, which is like a theme park. It's like a theme park, it's like uh an amusement park, uh rides, shit. You get the gist, yeah. So the first day, we we sat in, we went into this room, we we so we got there, we went into this room, this conference room. Well, first there was like a mingo session. So before the whole thing started, all the managers from all the sites were there, including brand advisors, head office, HR people, all that shit. So that was very fucking awkward because you're you're expected to interact with people that, first of all, you don't know. Second of all, you don't want to know. Third of all, um are like some of the HR people and the head office people were very like it, there was a lot of hierarchy. There was a lot of, oh, you're the peasants that work on the shop floors, you know. But um, so that's the kind of vibe I got. Um and also a little anecdote before I go in, because there will be a story in this. I also told my team, so the the two units that I run, one of them is easy to order, because you can see, right? The other, and I can kind of see how much they're using, because I've kind of worked in that unit, you know. But the other unit that I was trained in in Leicester, um, is completely different than how I got trained. They're doing things completely differently. They're overportioning, they're not measuring things. They kind of it's a quick kind of grab and go system because it is busy. It's uh it's you know, it's a small little hut, you know. So so they get busy and they're just doing things. There, it's not like over there where people sit down, there's table service, you know, they call out your orders, you know, this and that. And there's like three or four people in the kitchen. No, here it's two people, it's a fast-paced environment. They're wrapping these fucking wraps, like their life depends on it, and they're sending them out. So, in a way, I understand, but there also needs to be some kind of middle ground when it comes to brand standards and training, which we'll we will get to. Um, but anyway, and I told them, I don't know your stock level, so please keep me informed when you're running out of things. The deliver the orders are placed first. This is another fucking stupid thing about this brand. Yeah. You place orders on a Thursday by 9 uh 9 a.m. And you have to fucking predict how much stock you're gonna use between Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and Monday the whole day, and then Monday you get a delivery. What fucking idiot came up with this system is my question. You should be ordering after the weekend when your stock levels are like, you know, because your your quietest days are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday slightly picks up, right? But not extremely. So you would think that your deliveries would be Thursday, orders placed on a Monday or a Tuesday. Because then you can see your stock levels, they've gone down. You can see how much needs to be ordered for the next weekend without having to fucking predict. And the the the levels there are very unpredictable. Like the last five weeks I've worked around that unit or in that unit, the weekends have been up and down. And I understand that we I walked into Ramadan, which is it's quieter because uh people are fast. Our demographic is mainly um it's it's either Indian people or Muslims. Yes? So they will be fasting during Ramadan. They will be fasting from um from sunrise to sunset, and then it picks up around 6 p.m. because their their fasting breaks and then they need to eat. But this is the first Ramadan we're going through in this new brand. So it's it's very it was very unpredictable and very hard to kind of see where things were gonna go and how much stock was gonna be used. So during Ramadan, that stock wasn't really going down, which is understandable. Now it's slightly picked up, but also to a level of are these stock levels realistic? Are they using too much? And that's where the overportioning comes in. Because they defrost, they they they cook, they make, and then they either waste or I don't know what the fuck they do with it. So it's very, very hard to kind of see anything through. But I let them I said to them, can you please let me know before Thursday, before placing the order, what you would need if you think you're gonna run out of it over the weekend for the Monday, which again is so stupid. I'm asking them to also predict how much stock they're gonna use, you know. So I can't necessarily be upset with them for not understanding things like stocks and drifts and wastage and margin, because that's my job. But on the other hand, I have the rotas for the for all these units were done till the 12th of April. So I physically couldn't really remove people and put myself in there, also because I had to oversee the other units. So I had to put away deliveries, place the orders, do time cards, um, cover breaks, things like that. The boost stock from one side to the other. It's it there was a lot to do and there was a lot to kind of learn. I can't just position myself in one unit and just kind of x-ray vision my uh my way through all the others. So um I asked them, can you please let me know before blah, blah, blah, blah? Okay, great, whatever. Every single fucking time they were running out of something, they messaged me on a fucking Thursday or after I've done the order, which was annoying. Because then that also means now that the order's done, you'll have to wait about a week and a half to receive this stock. Because they would message me on, like, let's say, the Thursday, I've already done the order, the order's coming Monday, and I won't do another order for another week, and they won't get the stock for a week and a half. So again, this is where my point is. This is, and this isn't this isn't a quiet unit. Even the quiet units in catering, they get two or three deliveries now. I get one. And we're the third highest performing catering unit on our side of the of the the the motorway. So tell me how that works. We we are our sales are higher than the drive-thru, and the drive-thru has deliveries every day. So it you can see my kind of point of view on this, right? Anyway. Uh, and we don't have enough storage because uh they keep saying, oh, but your your stock is frozen. Yes, I understand that, but I don't have shells to physically put this shit on. And also, frozen things do go out of date if it isn't date rotated correctly. The more stock I hold, the less date rotation there's gonna be. This is a simple, logical thing. But they don't understand this. Just overstock. Just just just keep ordering. Just just order as much as you need. I don't know what I need and how much of it I need. And if I think I need this, it's probably not gonna fit anywhere. Like now. Oh, we'll we'll get to now, anyway, because this is another fucking anxiety trip I'm going through today. Um, but anyway, so Alton Towers. We're at Alton Towers, we walk into this conference room, and the first activity is it's like a it's I don't know how to say it. It's kind of like a like uh an energy booster. You know how sometimes at these TED talks they do this kind of like get up and shake it all off and kind of feel comfortable and you know, this this weird fucking activity that cringes everybody out. Yeah, so this is what we did. Um, it was a drumming session. Crickets, silence. Yeah. Exactly. We all sat with drums on the fucking tables, and this guy was like, I'm gonna split you up into three groups, and this group's gonna do this, and this group's gonna do that, and bamba, and we basically created this whole number, like um it was in in like 15 different parts. There was different people from a head office going on the stage and beating their drums and solo performances and beatboxing and all this. And I was just like, What the fuck is this? We're in a room full of people ranging from like I'd say 2022 to about 65, yeah. And we're all fucking drumming. Like, what it was so stupid, it was beyond fucking pathetic. And this guy was going around pestering people, and and and I get anxiety around things like this. Like, I was avoiding eye contact, but also I couldn't avoid too much, because I feel like when these people, you kind of I I kind of go into this person's head that's on the stage, right? And he's looking around, and he's obviously gonna target the people who are like quieter, who are, you know, kind of avoiding that about eye contact. He's gonna try to pick on them. This is like school. It's like school, it's like an assembly. It's like they ask stupid questions, and and you're expected to answer in front of a bunch of people that you don't know, and that just gives you this like it's it's it's it's intense in your head. So I was kind of trying to like look at him and smile and interact because then he wasn't really gonna pick on me. But there was a lot of times where we made eye contact because I was sat in a very weird, like there's a lot of empty space around me, so I was very isolated. Um but you know what I mean, isolated. It's like I was right in the center, like just shine a spotlight on me. You know, it's so I was like, okay. Um, but then he was kind of uh asking for volunteers, and they were volunteering people from from like HR and and like higher up. So it was more like comical, you know, like the these these big bosses, the CEO was up there and stuff. Yeah. Um and the first thing I remember saying, I turned around to to my like my my team of of you know people like uh from my site, the managers there. Because when we walked in, all of the like board, uh, which are like the big bosses, were sat on the stage drumming, as like when we were walking in. So I turned around to them, I said, so it is a cult. And it it really kind of like summed up, you know, the the experience. But anyway, um, so yeah, so that was the first activity. After that activity, we had a light lunch. So we went outside. Uh well, we went out of the conference room and into the hotel kind of Buffet area. There were some sandwiches and some other shit. So we kind of had some food. And then basically, um, we went back. And then there was a bunch of like news and revelations and and just shit that's happening in the next year. Brands that they're opening, and this and that. And I just sat there thinking, because one of the brands that they were talking about is what my brand. And I'm the first official manager of this brand. And they're gonna open five other ones and five other sites. And and I was just thinking, I was like, okay. Um they were talking about all this shit and how much, you know, they want to prioritize this, prioritize that, blah, blah, blah. And I was just thinking, how much they they have already not given a fuck in the last year. This unit has been open since August, I believe. So, not no, not August, because I think when did we open? I remember writing down the like record sales. Um, week 35. Um, last year. I don't know when that was it was like May or June or something, I think it was, or July. But anyway, um, yeah, so it was very like it's been around for almost a year, and you're saying, like, oh yeah, like we aren't piratized, this, do this, do that. But you haven't even gone around, you haven't even checked, you haven't really spoken to me, nobody's messaged me, nobody's emailed me. You know, we have a new brand advisor now who also Yeah. Um Yeah, there there's just there's just a lot of stuff like going on, and it just seems like it it isn't really prioritized. It's just a standalone kind of independent unit that it's a sink or swim situation, you know? Like you would think that they were trying and perfect things to open these other units. They're opening units in the next 12 weeks, and I j I I don't know how they're gonna function. I don't know how things are gonna go, and you know, nobody's really spoken to me about my kind of side of the story, but yeah. Anyway. Um, so yeah, this conference was a little bit like okay. That's it's it was a lot of talk, and it was very fucking boring. Um, then after the conference was the award ceremony, so we had about an hour and a half, like two hours to get ready. Um, so it was all like suit suits and ties and all this shit. And obviously, I think I spoke a little bit before about my experience at the staff party with ill-fitting. I just hate tuxedos, I hate suits, I hate blazers, I hate dressing up because it's so stupid. Right, and um, and obviously I had problems buying shit for the staff party, so now obviously my anxiety was here, uh, trying to get shit for this one. So I thought, okay, well, I'm gonna take the blazer, well, the the soup jacket that I had from the staff party, because it is a black one. The only thing I had to do was hoover off all the fucking glitter, uh, because all the the the girls of staff party hadn't fucking glitter on them, and you know, it just got all over that. Um, and then I had to order a new uh shirt and new trousers. Um the trousers I ordered from TikTok shop, which um I was skeptical, but I was actually very happy because they were very, very good. Um and they fit very well. They f they fit like a fucking glove, and it was it was it was great. The shirt I got an extra like two sizes up just in case, because it was TikTok shop. I thought, mmm, and it came way too big. But you know what? I said I'm just gonna tuck it in. Who gives a shit? I'm not gonna take off my jacket anyway. I'm not gonna be fucking, you know, whipping around the dance floor all and fucking, you know, hot and sweaty, so just thought fuck it. Um it was alright. Um, but at the pre-drinks, I because we didn't really eat all day and we were kind of tired and I got very drunk off of beer. So imagine me trying to get ready, um, standing in the bathtub, kind of in the in the shower, uh, trying to um take a shower, but also just very, very, very like I was I was very tipsy. I wasn't drunk drunk, but I got very, very tipsy. Um and the hot water did not help either. So I was trying to get ready, but also like trying not to throw up. Um, so yeah, it was a bit of a a nightmare. We went to the award ceremony and uh we won an award. Um and we we should have won a lot more, but yeah, whatever. Um, and then after that, we had more drinks. I saw a bottle of wine um because I felt out, you know, like nice red. I was also very much in my head. I I was very anxious, I wasn't happy, I didn't want to be there. Um, because I was getting messages all night about not having like cups in the unit and not having this, not having that, and then yeah, it's it's really ruined my night, and I just didn't really want to be there. Um and yeah, um, so basically that, and um I um Yeah, no, I I had more drinks and we were kind of sat outside with a couple people and um yeah, it was kind of ended. The night ended around one. I think we me and Ivan went up to our rooms and um he was drunk, I was drunk, and yeah, that was it really. Um and um the next day we woke up for breakfast and and it was Alton Towers. And I thought, oh, okay. Um I thought at first originally I thought I was gonna go on some rides because cause why not? And um Yeah. So um this is just a a kind of a a a a warning because there is gonna be a lot of ranting about um body image, body dysmorphia, eating disorders. So basically, um we went into the park and I wasn't very well, because I was slightly hungover. I had some breakfast in the morning to kind of bring it all down, uh, soak up some of the alcohol that was still left in me. And um, and yeah, we just went in and we were kind of just exploring in the beginning. Nobody really wanted to be there because the park was quite empty and everybody was was slightly hung over. Uh, some people went on rides, um, and then we're just wandering around, and um and basically what happened is I even went to the toilet and the the group left. They just fucked off. So I thought I'll I'll wait for it. And then we were walking, and I said to him, I said, Oh, I want to go on the Wicker Man because that's my favorite ride. I said, That's the only one I'll go on, and then like we'll call it a day. Uh, because we only had about two and a half hours in the park anyway, and there was supposed to be like a light lunch at 12:30 and closing statements, and then you could either stay or fuck off, which we all knew we were gonna fuck off because we had about an hour and a half drive, and we just wanted to go home. Um, and um yeah, so we got in the queue for the wicker man, and it said about 25 minutes to wake. Okay, that's fine. It was only about 11, so we had enough time, we're gonna get through and go in. That on the ride, you know, he put on his little safety thing. I was trying to put mine on. And this, hands down, is the most fucking embarrassing time of my fucking life. Um like I always have had problems in my head, um, about body image, about being too big, uh, body dysmorphia. You know, some days I just just feel bigger than I actually am. I gain weight, I lose weight, and I gain gain double, you know, it it's a whole cycle with me. There's no secret. There's no secret. I've gone through many stages of different types of of eating disorders. I I have tried to to do different diets. I have tried to starve myself, I've gone through stages of of bulimia. There's no secret. Yeah. Well, there is, but there isn't. I'm I'm coming forward now and saying all this shit, yeah. So I've really struggled with this in the past. And I thought, um, I thought I'm gonna go on this ride, I'm gonna have a good day with my friend, I'm gonna, you know, enjoy this ride, it's gonna be fun. The safety thing didn't go down, right? It would the first time around. And I said, okay, I'm I'm stressing out now. Uh and because I I already had alcohol in my system from the day before, my anxiety was already heightened. Um so it's not going down. I was like, oh shit, the ride's about to start. Then there's a a a girl coming down, you know, checking everybody's thing. Mine didn't, I don't know what it was, whether I was sat in an awkward position, because I don't necessarily I I feel like there was bigger people on this ride. And I'm not, I'm not gonna lie, people with more of a stomach, right? And I thought they theirs went down. I thought like in the beginning, I was like, okay, maybe it's broken, maybe I'm just being stupid, maybe I'm sat in an awkward position. I am also very tall. Not very, very, very tall, but I have long legs. So in the beginning, she this this tiny bless this fucking little girl. This this tiny little like 20-year-old girl comes around, this blonde one, and she's trying to push this thing down. And I'm already, I'm already like, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I'm off. I'm out. I want to disappear. I want to fucking disappear. And she's like, oh, um, it's not going down. I was like, no fucking shit, bitch. Um anyway, so she then says, Can you cross your legs? I was like, well, that's a weird. So I'm trying to cross my legs with my long ass fucking legs in this ride. I'm trying to cross my legs. Um, and and it's just it it's fucking stupid. Like, is it what? Because my my like, I I couldn't tell whether I don't, I just don't know. I I don't know what it was. Um, because I like Ivan's like, oh, do you have things in your pocket? I said, well, I've gotten my glass, but that's it. So I took them out. It like nothing was really, you know, I just didn't understand why it wasn't. Um, and I feel like I've been to Alton Towers when I was bigger, but then I might have been shorter, you know. I don't know. I don't know what it was. I'm trying to really justify this in my head and not say that I was too fat to ride, but I think that might be the case. And that caused so much pain. That caused so much embarrassment that took me on a whole spiral. And I literally wanted to die. To die, but not like of embarrassment. I genuinely I thought and the fact that I had to get off this ride in front of all these people that, yeah, I understand. I don't know, and I'm probably never gonna see again. It doesn't matter about that. It was more so the fact that I got off the ride and I had to go face the other managers because they were all sat there waiting for us. Yeah. So I got off first, and they were like, Oh, did you lose Ivan? And I was just very open and honest. I said, No, I was too fat to ride. And they were like, Oh. Well, you know, they they were trying to kind of like, oh, that's bullshit, blah blah blah, you know. In my head, I knew the the truth and I knew the reality, and and even thinking about it now, just kind of it hurts. It hurts. It hurts when when reality hits and and you're kind of faced with the truth. Um yeah. So um that didn't help my long-lasting, very um bad anxiety and and uh just just the level of burnout I was getting to already, kind of thinking about this, thinking about just overthinking every single little thing. Um and yeah, it could have been it could have been bloating from the alcohol. It could have been I had breakfast, which I normally don't eat before an amusement park, so that that might also be the case. Um I don't, but the last couple of weeks, uh I think that anxiety has kind of kind of um I managed to kind of forget about it. Like I don't really care. Like nobody, nobody, you know, treats me any differently. Nobody, you know, they're we're all adults. They're not gonna sit there and be like, ah. I made a joke of it and said basically my dick was too big and I couldn't ride, you know. It is what it is. But um, but yeah. So um that was a little bit disheartening. Um, so yeah, that conference was was a bit of a bust in my head. The only good thing is we got a a goodie bag uh of shit from the company, um, which was quite fun. Like, let's just I love free shit. I love goody bags. You know, I was never the type of kid to to go to other people's birthday parties, um, because my parents couldn't really find a time to take me, couldn't find the money to buy all these kids presents. I also wasn't necessarily invited to a lot of them. Um, yeah, I only went to a couple um couple of of birthdays. Um, and it was mainly like my best friend who used to be my neighbor, his name was Jonathan. Um, because then I would just go with him. Like his sister, his brother, or his mom, dad would just take me with him and we would go to the party. But yeah, I I wasn't really the type kid to to go to birthday parties. So I never got goodybags, I never got all that shit. Um, sometimes we get goodie bags in school, you know, but yeah, I I I love goodybags, you know, who doesn't love free, free stuff, and yeah. But um, so yeah, that was the conference. Then we got back from the conference and it was just a whole nother experience of of going through shits and and there was so much. There was sickness in production that I had to cover, and um, and just a lot of a lot of talking to a lot of different people about different things, uh, which is good. I I'm I'm not uh I'm not opposed to communication. I I love to communicate. I think I'm a great communicator. Um so I will inform people, I will ask people, I will try and kind of get to the bottom of things and and you know, so so I did kind of learn as I went. Um and yeah, um basically I had there was a couple visits that I had. We had a new like uh brand auditor come in. Um so I had to cancel one of my days, uh my holidays again to come in and do that because I thought he was gonna come in and do so. Basically that week, um there was a person who came in to this this brand, and he came at five o'clock in the evening, took a bunch of pictures, and and basically sent it to my brand advisor, who then sent it to me, which is so stupid because this person that took these pictures is gonna be one of the other brand advisors, um, our brand auditors. Um he was supposed to come around Monday, Tuesday to speak to me, to meet me. Didn't come, nobody really gave a shit. Um, so yeah, that was quite fun. Um, and then yeah, I basically got an email saying, Can you sort all this out before this person comes in on Thursday? So I came in at 11, cleaned the unit, stripped the unit, basically washed everything, cleaned everything, sorted out all the paperwork, uh, with most of the paperwork, and then he came in, this guy, uh, this guy came in for about an hour, spoke to us a little bit about ups and downs, things we need to focus on, these new audits that are gonna start soon, this new unit that we're gonna get, but all this bullshit, yeah? All these these formalities, and didn't even really look at the unit, didn't really see anything. So I was quite happy um because I just I I didn't want to be questioned on anything. But I did kind of waste my my day of holiday. So um, yeah. And um that was last week, and it's just been very, very busy. I've been running around. I took I took about not no joke, about 11 folders home full of paperwork to sort out and file, um, which I've done now. And um, yeah, I've kind of been reorganizing things as I go and cleaning up the storeroom and cleaning up the freezers and kind of because I was a little bit extra in the last couple of weeks, I did take a lot more adamant and and kind of organization days. But then even those days turned into you know me covering a shift in my old brand that I worked in. And yeah, that was that was also a story I had. I basically went back to my roots. Yeah, they asked me to work for a couple hours because I was a sick call. So I jumped in for about four hours, and uh, lo and behold, their brand advisor walked in and did a check on me. And this brand advisor I've seen multiple times in the past. Uh, he used to come around when I first started in his brand. And um, and I saw him at the conference, didn't really, he didn't really like I knew who he was, and you know, he said hi to Ivan and whatever, but didn't really care about me, didn't really, you know, like, no, whatever. Um, not expecting him to because we were never on a personal level. Um, but yeah, so he came in and in the beginning I kind of felt a little bit attitude and a little bit pushback from him. Because he's like, uh so uh Manda, who I was working with that day, said to him, Oh, you know, as a joke, like, oh, it's his first day, ha ha ha, blah blah blah. You know, um, he's still training. And he dead ass looked at me right in like looked at me and said, Oh, it's his first day. Oh, what is he new? I don't understand. Really? Like, I'm not I'm not a celebrity, I'm not expecting you to know who I am, but that kind of level of respect where I know who you are, I've seen you, I've introduced myself. I understand that people have memory loss and don't forget, don't don't remember things, and but really you saw me at the conference. You saw like anyway, I just saw like the fucking cheek, you know. And then he was like, oh ha blah blah. Realize that I'm the old assistant unit manager. And then he started to kind of dig into me, like trying to prove like, why are you on this fucking unit? You're not in fucking uniform, you know, like who do you think you are? Um, because I made a mistake in the beginning, because I I just couldn't really uh some things have changed when I left, and I was just trying to clarify a couple bits. Uh, and he was like, and I said, Oh, you you do this and do this, and he's like, no, you do this. He's like, Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember. So, so why did you press that? Why did you do it like that? I was just getting a lot of attitude from it, and I didn't really appreciate it. Obviously, I'm not gonna, you know, I'm not gonna bark back. But then, um we did drinks. So obviously, I made some coffees for him as part of the check and stuff, and and he was like, Wow. Like, he's like, Why did you leave? He was trying to like make it seem like, oh, he left because uh I left because we're in a new region and he's our new brand advisor. I said, No, it's not it. It was just an opportunity and uh I had to jump on it because it was management and it was more money, it was the experience. Which yeah, wholeheartedly now I do fucking regret. Like, I wish I I might have just stayed in there, kept my mouth shut, and just just been an assistant for a couple more months. Just kind of chilled. But I do feel like it was gonna be a never-ending saga. No matter where I went, no matter what I did, it was gonna be fucking shit. Yeah. But yeah, he was like, Jesus, like these are some of the best strengths I've seen in a very long time. And then he was just telling people, like, Ivan Cameron, he's like, Oh, why did he leave? Like, we need him back, you need to, you know. And and that felt good. That felt good because it it seemed like those eight years weren't wasted, you know. Um, and I do feel that because they were telling me, like, oh, you know, there they're it's a check, like you need to kind of be there, and you know, you don't work in that unit anymore, but you still need to represent, blah, blah. And I did. I'm not, I'm never gonna fuck them over. I'm not, I'm I'm always gonna help them. Like it's my home unit. It will always be my home unit. Like, my family is there. My my people are there. You know, I don't feel comfortable now, and I don't feel fully complete with the people that I'm working with now, even though I'm slowly building relationships with them, and they they they do respect me as their boss. But it's not it's not family, it's very like, you know, I do miss it, and I do regret, you know, the grass isn't greener on the other side. I can tell you that much. Um, but sometimes, you know, it is it is a trust the process situation. I understand that. I do need to wait it out, and I do need to see where things are gonna go and how they're gonna progress, because I can't just like we're one month in, nothing happens in a month. You know, like I always say, Rome wasn't built in a day. It burned down in one, but it wasn't built in a day. Um, so yeah, it's just yeah, but it was good to kind of hear that and hear that feedback. Um but yeah, it's just it's just been very turbulent, very turbulent, and I feel like travel sick. And it's it's it's a lot. It's you know, I'm I'm trying to to to do better, and I'm trying to eat better, and I'm trying to kind of save my sanity, but all of my days off end up working, end up, you know, doing something, um, like speaking to people, uh, covering shifts, covering illness, approving holidays. It's just and I and I can't switch off. I don't know. I I don't like I'm at a level now where it's my first month. I don't want to be that type of person, that type of manager that they message and I don't respond. I don't need to respond straight away, I'll respond after a while. But I I I don't want to be that person there like, oh, I can't, like he doesn't speak to us, he doesn't communicate with us. Like we, you know, because at the end of the day, it's it's they listen to the staff. They they because they're the guys that work the most and the hardest. The managers are just like the background operations people. That's my view. That's all has always been my view. I like to be that type of manager that also works on the unit, so they also see that I am all equal on one level. Like, sure, I do get some more money and and I speak to the bosses, but I am the one to represent. And yes, I am their manager at the end of the day, but I just want them to be able to come to me, you know, and speak to me, and and you know, and I don't have that level just yet. They they respect me, uh, because they're very, very polite and very well mannered. They're always like, hello, boss, hello, sir, you know, sorry to bother you, you know, can you do this? Can you do that? You know, and they're very polite. That's why I will give them that mutual respect back. It's when they start to push back, then I'll start being a bitch, but you know, um, but yeah, it's just so I don't I don't want to be viewed as the the person who doesn't work on the unit but also doesn't care. I'm gonna be on the unit a lot more now because I'm doing the roads, but yeah, it's just very hard. It's very hard. I've always been the tech manager that's always on the unit. That's how I bond with people. But I like it when there's like a group of people on that unit so I can interact with different people, not just one person at a time. Uh, because it's very hard to communicate things to single individuals if you see them like if you see this person this day, this person this day, you know, instead of having maybe in the summer it'll be easier because there'll be a lot more of them. Because I have a lot of uni students on student visas that that work 20 hours a week, so it's kind of hard to catch the catch the movement we but yeah, I don't know. I'm just I feel a little bit better now. Um so well now I'm I need to cover a shift tomorrow, but yeah, I don't know, I'm just kind of I feel a little bit better now that I've I've kind of ranted. I think this podcasting really does help sometimes. Um so I'm just throwing it out there, you know. Um because with this, it's it's it's a convenient kind of platform because you can choose to listen to it and you can choose not to. Like if I'm ranting, I'm ranting, I'm putting it out there for anybody who wants to listen. But if you don't want to listen, you just kind of skip the episode or you just skip ahead. It's that simple. Whereas with talking to other people, you can see that they either turn off, they don't want to listen, they've got their own issues, you don't really want to be a burden. Um and like it's all work stuff. Some people just want to kind of turn off, they don't want to listen about work, but then they continue to rant about work and they expect you to listen. It's a very kind of devious, devious, like hypocritical cycle. Um, because it's like when you talk to them, they don't care, but you are expected to listen. That's why I stopped listening, you know. Um but yeah, I just I don't know. Now we're going into Easter. Oh, today. The only reason I'm I'm stressed out today is because first of all, somebody is calling sick for tomorrow, but it's it's not sickness, it's it's the same person all over and over again. So I have a whole disciplinary cycle there. And also there's a massive delivery coming today for one of my units because we just seem to be fucking running out of every single fucking thing every single fucking day. Um, so I just over ordered for Easter because we weren't even supposed to get a delivery till next Thursday. Uh, which was fucking stupid. Imagine getting through. So they communicated this is this is a problem with this brand as well. Nobody fucking communicates anything. They just don't give a fucking shit. Um, so the orders were supposed to be placed by uh was it Thursday last week? So I placed the order on Wednesday evening, just to be sure. I think I was was it last week that I was doing uh branded by the thing, or was it brand audit? I don't remember, but anyway, I placed the order on the Wednesday evening, just to be safe, just to be sure. Um and then on Friday, on my day off, I get a message saying, Oh, um, so basically you won't receive a delivery on uh East, like um big holiday Monday. Okay. And you have to place an order on the 7th of April to receive a delivery on the night, on the Thursday. Bear in mind that's I'm not gonna get a delivery from that moment, from the mess from the minute I got that message, I wasn't gonna receive anything for another two weeks. I was gonna get a delivery on the Monday, but they communicated after placing the order that I should have upped the order. And bear in mind all the other units, all the other catering units, from this week, this week now, they had an extra delivery put on. Just for this. Just for half term, just for Easter. So they have three deliveries Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. I get a delivery fucking Monday. Most stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. And I don't even care who hears this, who I don't care. Fire me. Incompetent fucking fools. Because, like, it's just so stupid. And every time I'm missing stock, every time I'm missing something, I have to message them, email them, say, oh, can I come and collect? And and you know, it's just oh so dumb. It's so dumb. So I I went to my site director. I said, This is this is like not doable. I physically can't will not have enough stock. Oh yeah, but you you should have known this because this happens every single time for bank holidays. Yes, but I've been a manager of this unit for a month. Nobody's told me. Nobody from them has told me, nobody from you guys have told me, nobody has told me about this shit. Because he's like, oh, we this happens every time, we don't order enough, and then we have to uh place an emergency order on the Tuesday to get it Thursday. I said, okay, well, can we do that this week then? Because I have it next week, but can I have it this week? So he made a couple calls and it was arranged. So I placed the order on the Monday, and it was like a 6,000-pound order. Um so yeah. So that's that. Um, and I'm receiving a master delivery today, and I was tempted to go in and help sort out, but Ivan and Amy were like, no, we're we're there, we'll we'll help out, don't worry, uh stay home. And in my head, I'm like, but I want to help. But I need to stop. There are people who uh people who are willing to help. Yeah, like them too. My my guys, the the team won't, you know, they they won't give a shit. So um so it's very kind of um stupid, really. But yeah, I don't fucking know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna I'm gonna just chill out today. I'm gonna watch a movie. Um maybe order some food and I wanna order though. Fucking eating shit. Fucking stupid bitch in Alton Towers trying to fucking push down on that. She should've fucking sat on it. Like all she did is just cause me pain. I mean she fucking pressed a hole into my fucking stomach. So dumb. So fucking dumb. Uh fuck this shit. Just I opened a fortune cookie. Oh, you know what else happened this week? Uh talking about a fortune cookie. There were some fortune cookies at work. And uh maybe I still count that in my background. Wait, oh my dear. Um, so I opened some fortune cookies at work. I don't know, I think one of the people in the offices brought some in. I just thought um I just thought like Um Oh, there's some shit go home on the word chat, but um basically, um opened some fortune cookies, and there was a fortune cookie that I opened in the week, and it said, um Your present plans are going to succeed. Don't know what that means, but yeah, I do I do have plans for the future, but um and then the other day there was one fortune cookie left, so I thought, oh, I'm gonna take it, and this is gonna be like my like spiritual awakening. This is gonna be like my mantra, you know, because it's the only one left. Like, this is fate. And I opened it and it said, your life will be happy and peaceful. When? Fucking when anyway. Um, and the other day, I had like a little long weekend because I was using the rest of my holidays, and I I um on Sunday, I I was just very filled with anxiety the whole three days. Friday I went shopping with Stacey in the morning just to get a couple bits, you know, just for fun. Saturday I went to Manda's to hang out with her and the dog. And then Sunday I thought, I'm just gonna clean. I'm just gonna clean the house. I'm gonna, you know, just just easy, breezy, you know, just reorganize my head. Amy was on a 1010, so I thought, oh, I'm just gonna, yeah. And then um, I was listening to Ray's new album, and the um for new album titled This Music May Contain Hope. And let me tell you that I literally stood in my living room in the middle of the room crying. I got to, I think the the two songs that made me cry the most I Know You're Hurting and Lifeboat. And I think this album will be a big staple for this next era of my life. Because this is the I do feel like this is there was turbulence. I have arrived, and it's not gonna be easy, but I will get there somehow. That's kind of what the album is is is giving, and that's what it's kind of presenting in my head and in my heart, and I'm going to take it on board, and it will be the kind of background music for my new era. Um yeah. I highly recommend you listen to those those songs. Um and I'm trying to think if there's anything else that I wanted to talk about. There probably was. There was probably some like culture um corner moments, but it's there's just so much on my head, on my head, in my head, on my mind. Um, and it's just very hard to focus on things. Like I have to now sit here and decide what movie I'm gonna watch without trying to kill myself. Yeah. Um, just wanted to say hi to Neam and Lewis. I hope you guys were having a great time in Australia, and I miss you very much. Um, I recently was thinking about that. Like, you were in my life for so so for such a short amount of time, but like, I don't know, it's just just the support that I'm getting from you from Australia is is is incredible. And um, the videos that you're sending me on your drunk nights out uh with your friends, and just kind of it warms my heart. So thank you. Um, and thank you for and everyone else who is listening. Um, I miss my old old Costa team as well. Miss Um Harriet and Ebba and what the fuck just happened? Oh, I found my computer was turned off. And uh I see Ivan every day, but I miss I see Amanda as well, so just more so the the team that I I kind of don't get to see a lot of anymore because they're hidden away. Um did I just did I just say the brand I used to work for? Oh well, you know what? Fuck it. Um doesn't really matter. Um even if they listen to um to to this, it's I mean, fire me. Fucking fire me. I dare you. But yeah, um this is this is to the next chapter uh of my weird fucking existence. And uh we'll see where things go. Worst case, I'll just fucking quit. And I'll just pursue my life and live in happiness and save some money and travel. That's what I'm gonna do now from going forward. I'm just gonna save money so I can just get the fuck out. Because it's it's fucking draining. I'm more burned out than I was in Costa. And I I'm more um, I'm just more just traumatized, really. Like, you see all these new sides to people, and it's just fuck. Um, I was gonna hang out with Ella today, but Ella's having a mental breakdown currently as we speak, and Stacy's fucking busy, so um, yeah, I don't know. I'll probably just die at home alone. Uh wait for uh some form of reassurance. And um, I want to watch that new that it's not new, but it got a lot of Oscar hype this year. One battle after another, I think it's called. I watch that because it's on now TV. Um yeah, I don't know. We'll see where where life takes me now. This is definitely a I think a new era. That's why I'm feeling this fucking way. I think it's setting in now. So anyway, I'll see you guys in the next one and yeah. Fuck it.